English 1100 

Nubia Soleyn 

LLN 

I walked into the classroom, like every other day, and was hit with the familiar smell of crayons and poster boards. I was a bit early today, so I had to wait outside the classroom door for a little while. I couldn’t wait to sit down finally.  I made my way to the closet sitting right under the windows. It was grey outside from the rain, the classroom wasn’t as bright as I was used to. I was still happy though, despite the gloomy weather, I finally got to wear my rain gear. It was a bright green froggy raincoat with a matching umbrella and rain boots, a Christmas gift from my aunt. I took them off and put them away before heading to my seat. I knew that we were going to be starting with math today, so I took out my notebook and a pencil, then placed my backpack behind the seat. I was in a good mood today despite the gloomy weather, I knew today would be a good day. My teacher, Ms. K, called everyone’s attention and started the lecture. I had fun, math was my favorite subject.  At the end of the day, we started to pack up for dismissal. Through the shuffling of papers and chatter, I hear the click-clack of Ms.K’s heels coming toward me. I look up at her holding a white envelope out to me, like the ones you get in the mail. “Do not open this, give it to your mother as soon as you see her,” she said blankly. I was a bit taken aback; she had not given anyone else an envelope. The surprise quickly turned into confusion. “Okay,” was all I could say. I watched her walk away, trying to see if she’d give one to any of my classmates, but she didn’t. I sat there with the envelope in my hand for a few seconds, thinking about what it could be. Report card? No. We got those last week. Permission slip? But I didn’t hear about a field trip. Money maybe? Every possibility was running through my mind, but none were making sense. I quickly but carefully put it in my backpack, making sure not to crease it. I can just find out when my mom opens it. I have been doing great in school, so I doubt that its anything I need to worry about. Right? We go to the main entrance for pick up and I could not help but think about the envelope the entire time I waited. It was still raining outside. When my sister got me, I did not even tell her about it, I wanted to keep it a secret. The first thing I did when I got home was put it on my mom’s bed, where I knew she would find it when she got home from work. I started doing my homework to calm my nerves and pass time. I don’t remember when, but I fell asleep. 

I was awoken by the sound of my mother calling my name. I quickly went to her room. “Come in, sit down,” she never spoke in that tone, so I knew she was going to say something serious. I did what she said and sat on her bed, waiting for her to speak. “Why is the teacher telling me you are mixing your B’s and D’s?” I was confused, Ms.K had never told me anything about this. I remembered the envelope and started to get nervous. “I don’t know…” was all I could say. I kept my head down and didn’t make eye contact. “…I’m not doing it on purpose.” I started to feel ashamed and insecure. Are other kids having this problem? Is something wrong with me? She went on to tell me that I will need to study and read more at home. She will also be checking all my homework before I hand it in. I wasn’t happy about this, but I knew I had to fix this problem.   

For years, I would research why I would make these mistakes and how I can improve them. Reading aloud, letter association, handwriting techniques, etc. I even went to see doctors to find out if I had dyslexia. I didn’t. Having this problem didn’t make me feel normal, I was always comparing myself to other people. It was a very unhealthy motivation. No matter how hard I worked at myself, it was never enough. I was so blinded by my want to be normal, that I didn’t even see my improvements. Looking back at my younger self, I realized that I took on way too much stress. I do commend myself for taking matters into my own hands, but I was very impatient and judgmental. I did not want to be “normal”, I wanted to be perfect. I noticed that when I would get very anxious when handing in any hand-written work in school.  

Having patience is important for self-improvement. For a while, I would stress over getting my Bs and Ds confused and wonder why this mistake persisted even after I worked so hard to improve myself. Because I stressed so much over this issue, I didn’t realize that I did improve. I started making the mistake less and less. For a lot of things, change does not happen overnight. It is good to take your time and celebrate even the smallest amount of progress. Knowing that you are heading in the right direction is good enough. I learned that not all motivation is good motivation. I wanted to change because I thought I was weird, and it started taking a toll on my mental health. Currently, I am still struggling with differentiating good motivation from bad. I constantly ask myself, “why are you doing this?”, just to make sure it is for the right reasons. Personal growth should never be rushed and wanted for unhealthy reasons.